Re:Hope

It seems I’m always in the right place at the wrong time, or in the wrong place at the right time. I can never seem to get the timing right can I?

I think I knew I felt something more for you after the first time we talked on the phone. But I decided there was nothing to be done. You’re in a relationship and I respect that. I’m leaving to go wander the world and it might be years before I see you again in person.

I like you too.

I don’t know where I’ll end up. I don’t know where I’ll wander to. I don’t know where I might wake up and find myself.

I know I’ll think about you often. I’ll wonder if you’re having a good day. I’ll wonder if you’re getting enough sleep . I’ll wonder if you still think about me from time to time. I’ll wonder if you’re happy. I’ll wonder about all the new things you’re seeing and doing. I’ll wonder if you’ve found a feeling of home in your new city. I’ll think about all the subtle ways you’re growing that you don’t really notice. I hope you find a life there that adores you.

I hope you flourish in all the places you find yourself. I hope you feel good things coming into place in your life. I hope you find yourself far from things make you anxious. I hope you leave your worries far out at sea. I hope thinking of me brings a smile to your face. I hope you wonder where I am from time to time. I hope you know you have a friend in me, always. If nothing else makes its way into your ears, I hope you know I care about you.

We’re both stepping through wide open doors. The next chapter in our lives. Chapters to be excited for. Chapters filled with moments to shape us.

I don’t know if there’s anything I could say to comfort how you must feel. How you must feel when you’re being pulled every which way by friends and things you wanna pursue. I’ll just say this. That feeling you feel of being responsible for people’s well being, you’re filled with empathy and compassion. I wouldn’t ever say someone can have too much of that. Having gone through what you have with your family and friends, having lost people close to you.

I don’t ever wanna make you feel like I expect anything from you. I don’t. We are here for such a brief moment. Our lives encompass a moment of a moment. I know I want you in my life. I know you’re important. I know we share a special connection. How it plays out I really don’t know. When I think about us from that perspective, all of the little details just sorta fall away.

I’m want you to walk towards the life you want, and nothing to ever make you stumble. Because you deserve it. You deserve ever bit of joy and comfort and belonging this world has to offer.

I have my own way to go. I want to figure out what to do with this life I’ve been given. I wanna find something to commit myself to. I wanna find a place call my own. It’s taken me so long to get to this point. I’ve lived through so much of my life feeling like a stranger to myself. And now I’m here, in this moment of my life, where I’ve chosen a direction. To be sure of a decision, to look down a path and know there’s something you were meant for as you walk down, I feel that right now. I have never been so sure of a choice. I choose to be the author of my life.

I hope you do too.